By: Richard Rosin | October 14, 2021
Sometimes it feels as if your bereavement will never end. You feel as if you’d give anything to have the pain go away; to have the long lonely hours between nightfall and dawn pass without heartache. You are not the only grieving person who has longed for some measure of relief.
In the novel, My Sister’s Keeper, author Jodi Picoult wrote, “There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name.”
No such rule book exists. Grief counselors and therapists tell us that the length of time it takes anyone to grieve the loss of someone they held dear to them is dependent on the situation, how attached you were to the deceased, how they died, your age and gender. So many variables exist and there’s absolutely no way to predict how long it will take for you to adapt to your loss.
The Difference Between Normal and Complicated Grief
Research findings have led experts to many different categories of grief experience ranging from normal to complicated. Normal (or uncomplicated) grief has no timeline and encompasses a range of feelings and behaviors common after loss, such as bodily distress, guilt, hostility, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, and the inability to function as one had before the loss. All are normal and present us with profound and seemingly endless challenges. Yet, Katherine Walsh says, “Over the course of time, with average social support…most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviors, and sensations.”
So, how can you know if your bereavement is no longer within the range of normal? Ms. Walsh goes on to say, “While there is no definitive time period by which this happens, if an individual or members of a family continue to experience distress intensely or for a prolonged period—or even unexpectedly years after a loss—they may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.”
A Useful Model for Assessment: Worden's Four Tasks of Mourning
There are certain tasks when achieved during your bereavement that can successfully allow you to emerge on the other side of loss as a better, stronger and more resilient individual. James Worden proposed these four tasks:
- To accept the reality of the loss
- To process the pain of grief
- To adjust to a world without the deceased
- To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life
Instead of focusing on your bodily discomforts, feelings, and common behaviors, this model allows you to see where you may be stuck or stalled in the adaptive process. Fortunately, Worden also gives us a list of indicators advising that "Any one of these clues in and of itself may not be sufficient," for a diagnosis of complicated grief. "However," he continues, "any of these…should be taken seriously, and the diagnosis of complicated grief should be considered when they appear."
12 Clues... 12 Insights
While grief educators and theorists tell us that a diagnosis of complicated grief should not even be attempted until after the first anniversary of the death, if any one of the following symptomatic clues exists for longer than six months, you may want to consider grief counseling or grief therapy:
- You cannot speak of the deceased without experiencing intense and fresh grief long after the loss.
- A relatively minor event triggers an intense grief reaction.
- Your conversations with others are littered with references to loss. In other words, loss is an ever-present motif in your worldview.
- You have issues related to your loved one's possessions. Keeping everything the same as before their death could indicate trouble. Tossing out everything right away can also be a clue to disordered mourning. (You also need to factor in your cultural and religious background)
- You have developed physical symptoms similar to those of the deceased before their death. Sometimes these symptoms recur annually, on the anniversary of the death or holidays. Increased susceptibility to illness or the development of a chronic physical complaint can also be an indicator.
- If you have made radical changes to your lifestyle or excluded friends, family members, or even activities associated with the deceased, it may indicate unresolved grief.
- A long history of depression often marked by guilt or low self-esteem can reveal disordered mourning. The opposite is also true: a person experiencing a false sense of happiness or elation could be experiencing unresolved grief.
- A compulsion to imitate the deceased in personality or behavior can be a sign of complicated mourning.
- Having self-destructive impulses or exhibiting self-destructive behaviors can be significant. These can range from substance abuse, engaging in self-harm, developing eating disorders and suicidal tendencies.
- A sense of unexplained sadness occurring at certain times each year (holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays) can also be a clue to unresolved grief.
- Developing a strong fear about dying, especially when it relates to the illness that took the life of your loved one, is an important clue.
- If you have avoided visiting your loved one's grave or if you are still unwilling to discuss the circumstances of their death, this could indicate complications in your bereavement.
There are many types of complicated grief; it can be delayed, masked, exaggerated, or chronic. Self-diagnosis is without purpose. A year after the death, if you feel your grief symptoms worsening, we advise that you seek a referral from your family physician for professional grief counseling or therapy.
Sources:
- Walsh, Katherine, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for the Helping Professions, 2nd Edition, 2012.
- Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.
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A helpful guide when making funeral arrangements.
A Guide To Environmentally Friendly Death Care Practices
Green Burial in Winnipeg: A Sustainable, Meaningful End-of-Life Choice As the world gets warmer, many of us are trying to reduce our impact cutting energy use, composting, and advocating for change. But there’s one question most people haven’t considered: What will your environmental legacy be after you’re gone? For many families in Winnipeg, that question is leading them to explore a more natural, meaningful option: Green Burial. What Is Green Burial? Simply put, Green Burial is the way people cared for their dead long before the modern funeral industry existed. It’s a return to simplicity. A return to nature. Green Burial reflects your values your desire to reduce your impact on the earth, even in death. It allows the body to return naturally to the soil, continuing the cycle of life that has been practised across cultures for thousands of years. The 5 Core Principles of Green Burial Green Burial is guided by five key principles: No embalming, Direct earth burial Ecological restoration & conservation plans Simple memorialization Optimized land use These principles ensure that the process is as gentle on the environment as it is meaningful for families. Common Misconceptions About Green Burial Some people believe Green Burial is: A new or fringe idea Only for environmentalists A lower-cost, “less meaningful” option A poor use of land Less environmentally friendly than cremation The truth is quite different. Green Burial is actually one of the oldest traditions in human history , practised across cultures for generations. Today, it’s growing in popularity because it aligns with the values of people from all walks of life and want their final act to reflect how they lived. And for many families, it becomes a deeply meaningful way to honour a loved one, rooted in simplicity, presence, and connection. Green Burial Options in Winnipeg In Canada, the Green Burial Society of Canada certifies funeral homes and cemeteries that meet strict environmental standards. There are currently certified sites across the country, including right here in Winnipeg. Brookside Cemetery officially certified its Green Burial section in June 2025, making it possible for local families to choose this sustainable option close to home. Why It Matters: Your Environmental Legacy Most people don’t realize they have one final opportunity to make an impact. Your Environmental Legacy doesn’t stop when your heart does. There is still one more decision to make, one more way to reflect your values, care for your community, and protect the earth for future generations. Start the Conversation If Green Burial speaks to you, the next step is simple: Ask questions. Have conversations. Make a plan. Because the best decisions are made with clarity not in a moment of urgency. Questions about Green Burial? Richard Rosin, Winnipeg’s Friendliest Undertaker Call 204-219-1126 or email us to learn more.
In today's society, we tend to ignore death. We avoid discussing it, thinking about it, and planning for it. While we all know that death is inevitable, we are unwilling to think it will ever happen to us. "Death can be terrifying." Dr. Todd Kashdan opened his article, "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", with those four painfully-honest words. He goes on to explain why death is such a scary thing for most of us. "Recognizing that death is inescapable and unpredictable makes us incredibly vulnerable. This disrupts our instinct to remain a living, breathing organism." Our fear of dying has kept us alive (as individuals and communities) for centuries. It's natural. Yet, the fear of dying does not serve our personal need for safety and if we are to live our lives, we need to release the fear altogether. Dr. Kashdan argues that a mindful approach to living may be what's needed. What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness has been defined as, "The state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." Awakening to the inevitability of your own death is liberating. You are no longer forced to manage the fear; you are able to include death into your life experience. Preparing for Your Death Death is a natural part of life. When you live with intention, which involves looking toward death and preparing for it, you crush its power to keep you from living fully. The following task list will, when done mindfully, help you to not only confront your own death but to take control of it. While you'll never actually know how your life will end until the time of your death, your preparations will help you become comfortable with it. Prepare a will , notarize it, and provide a copy to your executor as well as any other individuals who are important in the settlement of your estate. Designate a Power of Attorney and Living Will, two essential documents if you are ever unable to care for your financial, medical, or legal needs due to an accident or illness. Make a detailed plan of your funeral or memorial service, which will help your survivors acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Organize all financial papers including insurance policies, bills, mortgage papers, vehicle titles, and loan documents. It may be useful to consider adding a trusted family member to your bank accounts. Secure your digital life for your survivors. Make sure to list all account passwords and usernames and let your survivors know how you would like your digital real estate (email and social media accounts) handled after your death. Sources: "What is Mindfulness?", Psychology Today, 2014 Kashdan, Todd, Ph.D., "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", Psychology Today, 2011 Klosowski, Thorin , "One Day You're Going to Die. Here's How to Prepare for It", 2013
I certainly don't have the expertise in knowing how to speak about grieving. I do know a meaningful funeral event is a good beginning on the grief journey. I hope this information from reputable sources will be helpful in your journey. - Richard. After the unexpected death of his wife, author C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The death of a beloved is an amputation." While dealing with grief is not easy, we believe the resources within this section of our website can help. Should you need additional support in grieving your loss, please call us. We will do everything we can to assist you. Grieving with Purpose No one is prepared for grief. The rush of feelings, thoughts, anxieties, and heartache can take us by surprise and drive us to our knees. Yet, when we choose to harness that power for self-growth, amazing things can happen. Good can come from pain. Sigmund Freud first brought up the concept of grief work in 1917, and today the idea that bereavement is purpose-driven continues. Dr. James Worden chose to see the work of bereavement as task-oriented: To accept the reality of the loss To process the pain of grief To adjust to a world without the deceased To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life Your current job is to focus your attention on achieving each of those goals. It will not occur in any logical order; each of us is different and the path we walk in the bereavement journey is not a straight one. Dealing with grief is hard work. It takes both courage and hard work to successfully adapt to the loss of a significant person in your life. Six Signposts Along Your Journey Dr. Stephen Joseph identifies what he calls six signposts to facilitate post-traumatic growth. He reminds readers too that "post-traumatic growth does not imply the absence of emotional distress and difficulties in living. It does imply that it is possible through the struggle to come out on the other side, stronger and more philosophical about life." Before identifying these six signposts, Dr. Joseph reminds his readers of three very important things: You are not on your own Trauma is a normal and natural process Growth is a journey He also provides a fundamental rule: don't do anything you might not be able to handle now. "If you experience intense emotions, become physically upset, or begin to panic... stop." He gently reminds readers that "having a sense of personal control over your recovery is important. There might be some things you do not feel ready to handle now, but in time, as you discover new strength and develop new coping skills, this will likely change." Signpost #1: Taking Stock Are you physically well? Are you getting enough sleep and eating the right foods for optimum health? Have you received the medical, legal, or psychological help you need? What is your current condition: physically, spiritually, and emotionally? Signpost #2: Harvesting Hope People traumatized by loss often feel hopeless. Find inspiration in the stories of personal growth written by others; set goals and practice hope as you set out to achieve them. Signpost #3: Re-Authoring Learn to tell your story differently. Take the victim mentality out of the story of loss and replace it with the survivor’s mentality to return to a sense of control over your life. Signpost #4: Identifying Change Keeping a daily diary can help you to see the small changes more easily. You can also track those moments when you feel at your best and identify the conditions that brought them about. Identify and nurture the positive changes in your life throughout your bereavement journey. Signpost #5: Valuing Change Review these changes and identify the ones that you'd like to continue nurturing. Personal transformation requires it. Growth is encouraged when we take time to think about what we have gained from loved ones and find a way to use what we have learned to give to others. Signpost #6: Expressing Change in Action Express your growth in new behaviours or more simply, put your growth into action. When you think in terms of concrete actions, it helps make the growth experienced within your bereavement real to you. "By focusing on these six signposts," writes Dr. Joseph, "you will find that your post-traumatic growth is beginning to take root." Ending Denial and Finding Acceptance Acceptance is the very first step in your bereavement. Dr. James Worden writes that we must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return." This is where a funeral can be important. Traditionally, the casketed body of the deceased is at the front of the room and guests are invited to step up and personally say their goodbyes. Part of stepping up means seeing with our own eyes that death has occurred and actualizing is an essential part of coming to accept it. Yet, the traditional viewing has eroded over time with many families today choosing cremation and opting to hold a memorial service after the cremation has taken place. The focal point of the ceremony becomes the cremation urn, holding the cremated remains or ashes out of sight and making the reality of the death less evident and the road to acceptance less clearly marked. Acceptance May Seem Out of Reach For many, acceptance means agreeing to reality. Most of us, when we lose someone dear to us, simply don't want to agree to it; we have an aversion to agreeing and accepting. So, let's use a different word—try "adjustment", or "integration". Both words focus on the purposeful release of disbelief. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to create a new life; a pro-active life where a loved one's memory is held dear, perhaps as a motivating force for change. It does take time. In "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One," the American Cancer Society cautions readers that "acceptance does not happen overnight. It’s common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased, and use it in other relationships." Whatever you call it, this essential part of mourning is what allows us to live fully again. It allows us to step out of the darkness of mere existence and back into the sunshine where life is sweet again. Of course, it's a very different life than the one you had before your loved one died. Sources: Freud, Sigmund. On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement Papers on Metaphyschology and Other Works. Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009. Fleming, Stephen. The Changing Face of Grief: From 'Going On to 'On-Going'' Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn't Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012
"The writing and reading of a eulogy are, above all, the simple and elegant search for small truths. This can be surprisingly hard to take notice of the smallest, most unpolished details of a life and set them up for us to stare at in the wonder of recognition." —Tom Chiarella, "How to Give a Eulogy" How do you begin writing a eulogy? Author Carol DeChant explains, "Obituaries are usually mini-biographies, focused on what a person did, but the eulogy is much deeper, more about who the person was… It's meant for the select group of people who knew and cared for that person, or who cared for the survivors." In "How to Write a Eulogy," Christina Ianzito offers these suggestions (many of them come from Garry Schaeffer's book, A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy): Outline the eulogy. In addition to helping you stay focused, an outline will keep your eulogy organized and effectively break down the writing task into manageable pieces. Ask for the input of other family members and friends. They may be able to provide you with some great stories to share. Always try to share examples of the statements you make about your loved one. If you want to say, "She was generous with her time," tell a story that supports the statement. Do not focus too much on yourself. After all, this isn't a eulogy for you; keep your writing focused on your loved one. You may even want to ask others to read your first draft to make sure the focus is in the right place. Go for the humour. Shared laughter is a very healing experience, so don't be afraid to make people laugh. Write the first draft. Don't fuss over every word; just get your ideas on paper. Put it aside for a while. No doubt, it is an emotional experience. Take some time away from the writing desk to get perspective and release stress or sorrow. Come back to edit and polish. This is the time to refine the eulogy into its final form. Print a legible copy of the eulogy in a large font to assist in the delivery of your well-chosen words. There's nothing worse than not being able to read your handwriting when you're standing in front of a crowd of people. Delivering a Eulogy Unless you're a seasoned public speaker, delivering a eulogy can be a scary, emotionally trying experience. Remember these tips to deliver a clear and moving eulogy: Take your time with the delivery Breathe deeply Stay relaxed Take regular sips of water If you have any doubts about your ability to perform in front of an audience, consider appointing a backup person to fill in for you. Or, you may ask someone else to take over the duty of reading the eulogy aloud on your behalf. "Giving a eulogy is good for you," says author Tom Chiarella. "It may hurt to write it. And reading it? For some, that's the worst part. The world might spin a little, and everything familiar to you might fade for a few minutes. But remember, remind yourself as you stand there, you are the lucky one. And that's not because you aren't dead. You were selected. You get to stand, face the group, the family, the world, and add it up. You're being asked to do something at the very moment when nothing can be done. You get the last word in the attempt to define the outlines of a life." Where to Find Eulogy Examples Online All you need to do is search online for "best eulogies" or simply "eulogies"– you'll be directed to dozens of videos and articles. Should you still find yourself in need of support, please give us a call . We will be delighted to discuss other available resources. Sources: Chiarella, Tom, "How to Give a Eulogy" Ianzito, Christina, "How to Write a Eulogy"
