Funeral Arrangement Guidance

In today's society, we tend to ignore death. We avoid discussing it, thinking about it, and planning for it. While we all know that death is inevitable, we are unwilling to think it will ever happen to us. "Death can be terrifying." Dr. Todd Kashdan opened his article, "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", with those four painfully-honest words. He goes on to explain why death is such a scary thing for most of us. "Recognizing that death is inescapable and unpredictable makes us incredibly vulnerable. This disrupts our instinct to remain a living, breathing organism." Our fear of dying has kept us alive (as individuals and communities) for centuries. It's natural. Yet, the fear of dying does not serve our personal need for safety and if we are to live our lives, we need to release the fear altogether. Dr. Kashdan argues that a mindful approach to living may be what's needed. What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness has been defined as, "The state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." Awakening to the inevitability of your own death is liberating. You are no longer forced to manage the fear; you are able to include death into your life experience. Preparing for Your Death Death is a natural part of life. When you live with intention, which involves looking toward death and preparing for it, you crush its power to keep you from living fully. The following task list will, when done mindfully, help you to not only confront your own death but to take control of it. While you'll never actually know how your life will end until the time of your death, your preparations will help you become comfortable with it. Prepare a will , notarize it, and provide a copy to your executor as well as any other individuals who are important in the settlement of your estate. Designate a Power of Attorney and Living Will, two essential documents if you are ever unable to care for your financial, medical, or legal needs due to an accident or illness. Make a detailed plan of your funeral or memorial service, which will help your survivors acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Organize all financial papers including insurance policies, bills, mortgage papers, vehicle titles, and loan documents. It may be useful to consider adding a trusted family member to your bank accounts. Secure your digital life for your survivors. Make sure to list all account passwords and usernames and let your survivors know how you would like your digital real estate (email and social media accounts) handled after your death. Sources: "What is Mindfulness?", Psychology Today, 2014 Kashdan, Todd, Ph.D., "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", Psychology Today, 2011 Klosowski, Thorin , "One Day You're Going to Die. Here's How to Prepare for It", 2013

I certainly don't have the expertise in knowing how to speak about grieving. I do know a meaningful funeral event is a good beginning on the grief journey. I hope this information from reputable sources will be helpful in your journey. - Richard. After the unexpected death of his wife, author C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The death of a beloved is an amputation." While dealing with grief is not easy, we believe the resources within this section of our website can help. Should you need additional support in grieving your loss, please call us. We will do everything we can to assist you. Grieving with Purpose No one is prepared for grief. The rush of feelings, thoughts, anxieties, and heartache can take us by surprise and drive us to our knees. Yet, when we choose to harness that power for self-growth, amazing things can happen. Good can come from pain. Sigmund Freud first brought up the concept of grief work in 1917, and today the idea that bereavement is purpose-driven continues. Dr. James Worden chose to see the work of bereavement as task-oriented: To accept the reality of the loss To process the pain of grief To adjust to a world without the deceased To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life Your current job is to focus your attention on achieving each of those goals. It will not occur in any logical order; each of us is different and the path we walk in the bereavement journey is not a straight one. Dealing with grief is hard work. It takes both courage and hard work to successfully adapt to the loss of a significant person in your life. Six Signposts Along Your Journey Dr. Stephen Joseph identifies what he calls six signposts to facilitate post-traumatic growth. He reminds readers too that "post-traumatic growth does not imply the absence of emotional distress and difficulties in living. It does imply that it is possible through the struggle to come out on the other side, stronger and more philosophical about life." Before identifying these six signposts, Dr. Joseph reminds his readers of three very important things: You are not on your own Trauma is a normal and natural process Growth is a journey He also provides a fundamental rule: don't do anything you might not be able to handle now. "If you experience intense emotions, become physically upset, or begin to panic... stop." He gently reminds readers that "having a sense of personal control over your recovery is important. There might be some things you do not feel ready to handle now, but in time, as you discover new strength and develop new coping skills, this will likely change." Signpost #1: Taking Stock Are you physically well? Are you getting enough sleep and eating the right foods for optimum health? Have you received the medical, legal, or psychological help you need? What is your current condition: physically, spiritually, and emotionally? Signpost #2: Harvesting Hope People traumatized by loss often feel hopeless. Find inspiration in the stories of personal growth written by others; set goals and practice hope as you set out to achieve them. Signpost #3: Re-Authoring Learn to tell your story differently. Take the victim mentality out of the story of loss and replace it with the survivor’s mentality to return to a sense of control over your life. Signpost #4: Identifying Change Keeping a daily diary can help you to see the small changes more easily. You can also track those moments when you feel at your best and identify the conditions that brought them about. Identify and nurture the positive changes in your life throughout your bereavement journey. Signpost #5: Valuing Change Review these changes and identify the ones that you'd like to continue nurturing. Personal transformation requires it. Growth is encouraged when we take time to think about what we have gained from loved ones and find a way to use what we have learned to give to others. Signpost #6: Expressing Change in Action Express your growth in new behaviours or more simply, put your growth into action. When you think in terms of concrete actions, it helps make the growth experienced within your bereavement real to you. "By focusing on these six signposts," writes Dr. Joseph, "you will find that your post-traumatic growth is beginning to take root." Ending Denial and Finding Acceptance Acceptance is the very first step in your bereavement. Dr. James Worden writes that we must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return." This is where a funeral can be important. Traditionally, the casketed body of the deceased is at the front of the room and guests are invited to step up and personally say their goodbyes. Part of stepping up means seeing with our own eyes that death has occurred and actualizing is an essential part of coming to accept it. Yet, the traditional viewing has eroded over time with many families today choosing cremation and opting to hold a memorial service after the cremation has taken place. The focal point of the ceremony becomes the cremation urn, holding the cremated remains or ashes out of sight and making the reality of the death less evident and the road to acceptance less clearly marked. Acceptance May Seem Out of Reach For many, acceptance means agreeing to reality. Most of us, when we lose someone dear to us, simply don't want to agree to it; we have an aversion to agreeing and accepting. So, let's use a different word—try "adjustment", or "integration". Both words focus on the purposeful release of disbelief. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to create a new life; a pro-active life where a loved one's memory is held dear, perhaps as a motivating force for change. It does take time. In "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One," the American Cancer Society cautions readers that "acceptance does not happen overnight. It’s common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased, and use it in other relationships." Whatever you call it, this essential part of mourning is what allows us to live fully again. It allows us to step out of the darkness of mere existence and back into the sunshine where life is sweet again. Of course, it's a very different life than the one you had before your loved one died. Sources: Freud, Sigmund. On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement Papers on Metaphyschology and Other Works. Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009. Fleming, Stephen. The Changing Face of Grief: From 'Going On to 'On-Going'' Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn't Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012

"The writing and reading of a eulogy are, above all, the simple and elegant search for small truths. This can be surprisingly hard to take notice of the smallest, most unpolished details of a life and set them up for us to stare at in the wonder of recognition." —Tom Chiarella, "How to Give a Eulogy" How do you begin writing a eulogy? Author Carol DeChant explains, "Obituaries are usually mini-biographies, focused on what a person did, but the eulogy is much deeper, more about who the person was… It's meant for the select group of people who knew and cared for that person, or who cared for the survivors." In "How to Write a Eulogy," Christina Ianzito offers these suggestions (many of them come from Garry Schaeffer's book, A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy): Outline the eulogy. In addition to helping you stay focused, an outline will keep your eulogy organized and effectively break down the writing task into manageable pieces. Ask for the input of other family members and friends. They may be able to provide you with some great stories to share. Always try to share examples of the statements you make about your loved one. If you want to say, "She was generous with her time," tell a story that supports the statement. Do not focus too much on yourself. After all, this isn't a eulogy for you; keep your writing focused on your loved one. You may even want to ask others to read your first draft to make sure the focus is in the right place. Go for the humour. Shared laughter is a very healing experience, so don't be afraid to make people laugh. Write the first draft. Don't fuss over every word; just get your ideas on paper. Put it aside for a while. No doubt, it is an emotional experience. Take some time away from the writing desk to get perspective and release stress or sorrow. Come back to edit and polish. This is the time to refine the eulogy into its final form. Print a legible copy of the eulogy in a large font to assist in the delivery of your well-chosen words. There's nothing worse than not being able to read your handwriting when you're standing in front of a crowd of people. Delivering a Eulogy Unless you're a seasoned public speaker, delivering a eulogy can be a scary, emotionally trying experience. Remember these tips to deliver a clear and moving eulogy: Take your time with the delivery Breathe deeply Stay relaxed Take regular sips of water If you have any doubts about your ability to perform in front of an audience, consider appointing a backup person to fill in for you. Or, you may ask someone else to take over the duty of reading the eulogy aloud on your behalf. "Giving a eulogy is good for you," says author Tom Chiarella. "It may hurt to write it. And reading it? For some, that's the worst part. The world might spin a little, and everything familiar to you might fade for a few minutes. But remember, remind yourself as you stand there, you are the lucky one. And that's not because you aren't dead. You were selected. You get to stand, face the group, the family, the world, and add it up. You're being asked to do something at the very moment when nothing can be done. You get the last word in the attempt to define the outlines of a life." Where to Find Eulogy Examples Online All you need to do is search online for "best eulogies" or simply "eulogies"– you'll be directed to dozens of videos and articles. Should you still find yourself in need of support, please give us a call . We will be delighted to discuss other available resources. Sources: Chiarella, Tom, "How to Give a Eulogy" Ianzito, Christina, "How to Write a Eulogy"

What's involved in writing a good obituary? This is the first thing you should think about when sitting down to write one for a spouse, family member, or close friend. What information should it include and how can you find a balance between dry facts and engaging storytelling? What's the Difference Between an Obituary and a Death Notice? The obituary is a longer and more detailed look at the life of the deceased. The death notice is simply a compilation of relevant facts. The obituary also includes those essential details, but it expands on them to provide a complete look at the deceased's life experiences. The first of the details is their name. If they had a maiden name or were commonly known by a nickname, you may want to add that in as well. Other essential details to include when writing both a death notice and an obituary are: Age upon death Birthday Birthplace List of the surviving relatives Date of death Location (city/state) where they died Details about the funeral service (date, time, place) Where the person lived It benefits families when we remind them of this simple truth: in writing an obituary for your loved one, you have the opportunity to serve future generations of your immediate family and society as a whole. You are, in effect, recording history on an individual scale. It's a humbling yet inspiring thought. Well-Written Obituaries It's easy to find examples of obituaries worthy of attention. There are interesting obituaries for everyday folks that inspire us, make us cry or even make us laugh. When we're done reading the obituaries, often we say to ourselves, "I wish I'd had a chance to get to know that person." Obituaries are scattered in cyberspace, acting as digital records of lives, times, places and histories. Will writing your obituary become a trend? Maybe. Many more people are writing their obituaries today – it's even given as an assignment in some college and university courses. How you document your loved one's life story is up to you. With that said, we recommend the obituary also include these details: Parents' names Information about the spouse and children Church affiliations Job or career information Personal and professional accomplishments Personal character and interests Influence on their community It's now time to push the facts aside. Sit back and think about the anecdotes and memories you could share to shed some light on your loved one's character and personal interests. Bring factual details into play whenever you can to help the reader see who they were, how they lived, what they did, and who and what they loved. The richer in detail, the more memorable the obituary becomes. Double-Check Spelling and Grammar Before you submit your final copy, be sure to read it through twice or even three times. You're looking for errors in spelling and grammar, but you also want to make sure your facts are straight.  Don't Hesitate to Call Us We would be happy to offer some suggestions if you're stuck. Call us to discover how we can help you to shine a brighter spotlight on your loved one’s life.

In Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice, Kenneth Doka offered a very simple definition of disenfranchised grief as an experience when "survivors are not accorded a right to grieve". Can others deny us our right to feel sorrow and pain? Can they set limits on our bereavement? The answer is, at least in some cases, yes. It happens all the time. In Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love, Dr. Thomas Attig claimed this right entitles a bereaved person to grieve when they need or choose to and in the manner in which they choose. In response, others are obligated to honour the right and refrain from interfering in the experiences and efforts of grieving. It's more than "a matter of indifference to the experiences and efforts of the bereaved. It is more actively negative and destructive as it involves denial of entitlement, interference, and even imposition of sanction. Disenfranchising messages actively discount, dismiss, disapprove, discourage, invalidate, and delegitimize the experiences and efforts of grieving. In this way, the people around the bereaved withhold permission, disallowing, constraining, hindering, and even prohibiting the survivor's mourning.” When Can Disenfranchised Grief Occur? Author Jonathan Vatner shares examples of situations where disenfranchised grief can result: Your ex-husband passes away, for example, and your friends don't see why it matters. An executive is having a serious affair with her married co-worker. When he dies unexpectedly, the expression of her grief is limited by the covert nature of the relationship. A spouse, brother, or son is missing in military action. When death has occurred due to socially unacceptable causes such as AIDS or suicide. A beloved dog, cat or other pet has died. What Does Disenfranchised Grief Sound Like? When you are mourning an unrecognized or undervalued loss, you may hear statements like this: "When things like this happen, all you can do is give it time and wait it out." "Eventually, you’ll get over this." "The best thing is to try to put what happened behind you and get back to normal as soon as possible. Try to go on as if nothing has changed." "There’s no point in looking for meaning in something like this. Suffering brings us face to face with absurdity. The best thing is to try to forget." "Face reality. She is dead. You will have to fill her place with something else." Sometimes those dealing with grief disenfranchise their grief with inner talk that sounds like this: "Somehow it feels disloyal to laugh or try to be happy. I sometimes feel that I owe it to him to live in sorrow." "What can I possibly have to look forward to?" "I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that in some ways, I seem to have grown from the death of my child." "How can I ever let myself love again if it all comes to this?" Suffer in Silence No More The stress of grieving in isolation can be unbearable. If we listen to Dr. Lani Leary, even if you endure the ups and downs of bereavement on your own, the grief work you do will still be compromised. She tells us that it is not time that heals. Instead, healing comes with validation: "All grief needs to be blessed. In order to be blessed, it must be heard. Someone must be present, someone who is willing to hold it by listening without judgment or comparison." In the article "Mourning Becomes Neglected: 4 Healthy Ways to Grieve," author Jonathan Vatner shares these four ways you can reclaim your right to grieve and get much-needed support: Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever your feelings are, they're legitimate. Find people who will understand. Search online—there are bereavement support groups for just about any type of loss. Be honest about how you feel. If a well-meaning friend cracks a joke about your deceased ex-husband, explain that this loss is painful for you. Develop a ritual or ceremony to commemorate the person's passing. Visit the grave after the funeral or hold a private one when you can take as much time as you need to express your anguish. Speak Up and Speak Out In the book Invisible Monsters, author Chuck Palahniuk wrote, “Most times, it's just a lot easier not to let the world know what's wrong.” Whatever you do, if you feel those around you are not supportive of your bereavement, do not follow his words. Let others know how you feel and what you're thinking. In doing so, you're educating them on the essential truth of bereavement: all losses are worthy of recognition and acknowledgement and all those in mourning have the right to grieve. Sources: Doka, Kenneith, Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice Attig, Thomas, Ph.D, "Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love" Vatner, Jonathan, "Mourning Becomes Neglected: 4 Healthy Ways to Grieve" Leary, Lani, Ph.D., "No One Has to Grieve Alone: Validation is the Key to Resolving Grief", 2012. Palahniuk, Chuck, Invisible Monsters